Yes yes me. I know you can't believe it. Me, your socially retarded associate, sometimes lifts objects in shops (not actually fondling your Dad as that title might suggest to those with a dirty mind...shame on you). I was going to shut down the habit when I started my new life in SF. I thought that in this new life, I should be a different kind of wife...i.e. divorced wife of Kleptomania. But after a few weeks, the habit returned, I think in some attempt to grasp at days gone by.
Since August, I've liberated: chocolate, an eyeliner, a keychain, food from work, and a dog. (The last one I wish.) My biggest ticket item was worth $60 dollars. And I did come across a Cat Tower that I dragged into my room even though I am the only animal who inhabits my studio. So I guess I'm not Ocean's 11 big time, but it does spice up the day to day. I only wish I had a team - a pilfering team. I'd do anything to be part of a heist...with a get away van. I would come running out of the bank with my ski mask on - dolla' bills flying out my sack. I'd be screaming, "Where's the van! Where's the goddamn van!" Then the camera would cut away to "Hans" the team van driver impaled on the stick shift.
Ya ya, I shamelessly lifted that from Dane Cook, but after his association with Jessica Simpson and his overall weird head movements - he deserved it.
Somewhat related, I went to the Nike marathon pre-race tent and collected free goodies and got a complimentary manicure. The manicurist even asked if I was running, and I said, "Yes and no. I'm here to cheer on friends, so I have to run from cheer point to cheer point." She was unimpressed. As a friend pointed out, this act was a cousin of stealing. Perhaps creative appropriating.
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1 comment:
You're hilarious!
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